I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
