as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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