listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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