idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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