Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
