How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
