dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
