This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
