we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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