The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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