the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
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