dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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