New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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