I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
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I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
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I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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