I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
