Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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