Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
