Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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