I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
