its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
