Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
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