Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I can't trust your balls anymore.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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