I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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