She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Everyone says I win the strip club
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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