they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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