im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
