If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
