i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
