No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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