my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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