I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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