So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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