Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
