I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
