Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
