this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
nutella sex= disaster
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
