He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i think i have two assholes
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
