I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
