After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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