I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
