I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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