Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
