i just wanna soil my oats bro
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
