hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
