Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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