if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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