you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
