Joe is yelling at the trees again.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
