true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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