I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
