The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
