She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
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You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
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I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Randomize