Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
