No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
